I have been toying with the idea of guest posting for a while, I could never decide on what to write for anyone else. So with this in mind I asked Sheryl my very good friend and blogger to write a post for me.
So I shall now hand over to Sheryl…
When Hayley asked me to be a guest on her blog, initially I had no idea what I was going to write about. But seeing as she has been talking about change and finding herself, I thought I would follow on with quite a personal story about my ongoing battle of the fore-mentioned topic.
I was quite a placid and bubbly teenager, I didn’t get into much trouble and was caring and giving. I entered into my first serious relationship at 19 with many ups and downs. It was perfect at first which led to me getting engaged at 21. As the relationship progressed I began to change and grow up whereas my partner didn’t. I wanted to experience more from life and I think this change left my fiancé feeling quite insecure.
I was becoming my own person and wanted to be more independent. I took the decision to move in with my fiancé, a decision which I soon regretted. This was made evident when the emotional abuse started. I wasn’t aloud out unless it was with him and when he was going out with his friends I wasn’t invited. He’d say nasty things which used to eat into my mind. There’d be many a time when I’d just be sitting home alone in tears waiting for his return and the rows that followed. I felt trapped and suffocated and I became depressed and lost weight. When the 6 month lease was up, I was happy to move out and back with my parents again but I stayed in the relationship for another year (5 and a half years in total) hoping things would change. They didn’t so we went our separate ways.
Unfortunately I moved swiftly onto another relationship which has left me mentally scarred for life. I honestly had no idea I would find anyone worse and it was clear from the beginning but I just chose to ignore it. Sometimes I think my problem is that I care too much, trying too hard to find the good in people. After less than a year we moved in together while I remained damaged from the last relationship. I was further away from home this time and had no friends nearby so I decided to go out and find myself some new ones. That’s when the trouble started.
I was being accused of seeing other men behind his back and he became aggressive towards me, sometimes through the paranoia bought on by his regular weed smoking. The man was nuts and that was putting it mildly. Time after time I’d believe his sob stories and the lies about how he would change. But things didn’t get any better and things didn’t change, instead I received bruise after bruise. The time he smashed my head against the bedroom wall, the time he gave me a black eye and shut my leg in the door, the time he kicked the ironing board onto my foot and I couldn’t walk properly for a week still returns to haunt me now.
During this time I became messed up, I became someone I didn’t like. I was aggressive and started to hit back and I turned to drink and got into dangerous situations because of it. This wasn’t me at all and I hated the fact that someone could change me like that. So one evening, 3 and a half years into the relationship (I don’t know how I stayed so long) while he was at work, I packed as much as I could into my car and drove back to my parents where I felt safe. I didn’t feel bad about leaving the way I did as I was more scarred of what he would do if I had left while he was still indoors.
Six years on and I remain single. I can’t bare the thought of getting close to anyone else and have trust issues. I began to love myself again and be the caring person I used to be. I surround myself with friends that I devote my spare time to but I still struggle to let go of the past. But until I learn to do that I won’t be able to find anyone to love again. Change can be a long difficult process but I intend to stick with it.
I would like to thank Sheryl for guesting on my blog you can read more from Sheryl at the link below http://sherylsbloggyblog.wordpress.com/ if you would like to guest post for me feel free to leave me a comment or send me an email HayleyThorpe10@yahoo.co.uk